Endless Hours

 Not sure how many can relate but recently it just seems that hours, days, weeks and even months tend to merge and blur into something else. Something total non-existent all together. Sounds weird I know, and may not make total sense. But it's the feeling of blurriness that just makes everything feel off. Like floating through life, time and space....

Not sure if there is any logic to this but there is to me. It's more a feeling then a word though. A feeling of tiredness and nothingness all at the same time. Fulfillment and emptiness living together in the same space in harmony with each other. Is that what contentment feels like? I always thought of it being satisfaction, but that doesn't seem like the right word.

Living life appreciating the little things! This is the only way I have found the ability to find joy and happiness in anything! It was so much easier when I was younger but the olde I get, the harder i find being able to find these little things to appreciate. Everyone tells me it's reversed, you take this for granted when you are young and only appreciate everything when you're older. That seems to be the opposite for me. Maybe because there are fewer little and simple things around me? Being cooped up at home pretty much 24/7 maybe affected my ability to appreciate the world and all that is in it?

Maybe i just need to slow down, and slow things down around me to be able to better take the time to be in the moment. Live and enjoy the moment, fully and whole-heartedly. It's been a while since anything was slow. Work is insane right now and will be until after July. All my weekends and holidays are burnt working. The time zones are killing me, I don't know how people do this. Maybe I have yet to find my niche. Maybe it's because there are too many expectations on what it means to be a working from home mom. It honestly gives some free time and flexibility but not much. Not as much as everyone thinks.

Yes, I can be mobile and available to take them for check-ups and possibly do the school runs - but overall. No I don't always have time to cook for them. I do make time to ensure I play with them, bath them and put them to bed. I hope it's quality of time over quantity of time with them.

I pray that for them, time is moving slower, and they are able to better embrace each day and what it has to offer. I pray that I can slow down and learn to not feel guilty over it, not feel guilty for taking time for myself most importantly. I never once hesitated for my family and others but i do for myself. Maybe that's why everything feels surreal and weird. I'm present and absent at the same time. Co-existing through physical presence and mental absence. 

Story-Teller

 Recently I have noticed that whenever I need to tell someone something like an event or something said or done - I tend to really tell a story. As though I'm writing a novel it seems. Guess this is something I have always done but in recent days, yes days, I have actually noticed the signs of impatience or disconnect when I speak. The other is when I am verbally told yes you already told me this. Because of this, I have now started to shorten my story-telling to the bare minimum. It does feel weird though. Like something is missing or 'naked' if that makes sense at all. 

I hate that feeling of nakedness. It creates this void like space within me that makes me super restless and uncomfortable. Making me become super on edge, till I can actually get it out of my system. Making my closest friends the only ones who get it and get me. 

If I start rambling and retelling stories or events they will immediately know I didn't get to tell the "full" story and will let me tell it just to respond - so who cut you off?

Am I weird? Unusual? Rather not place labels on it but at the same time need to acknowledge that I am different. Honestly, being different isn't so bad. Being different can be very eye-opening and also refreshing - and this is coming from someone who dislikes change. But to be fair, abrupt change is the worst. Gradual change is something that is easier to deal with I guess. able to mentally and physically prepare oneself for the change, brace for it. Sudden changes always get to me, it does take a while to accept the reason and rationale. Unless the change is logical and understandably necessary - these I can accept whole-heartedly. 

Maybe, besides this blog and my poems, I could start writing short stories again. workload may be high and I guess this could convert into a journal/blog post/short-story page - but again it just all feels very off to me somehow, somewhere in my soul.

I use to journal and write everything down that happened in my day. Then somewhere along the way I just stopped, guess I do know actually, privacy reasons. Fear of my older sister or parents reading it. Blogs were introduced to me much later on and it was something that was like an online, public journal that I did with my friends. Now this space has been reclaimed back as a place for my thoughts and feelings and ranting and raving.

I should be working but today is Friday and there is no motivation in me to even look at my to-do list! Meeting free Friday's has now forced my other 4 days to be packed with meetings and calls. Again, not a bad thing I just prefer having gaps between calls for the simple pleasures of life - using the bathroom and eating. 

Work beckons and respond so I shall! Till next time my brain wants to pen something random down!

The Help

 Picked up my new helper today, can't believe how long we managed without any help. To some this may sound odd but here it is very common to have a helper to take care of the cooking and cleaning which frees up time for those of us who are working to have more time looking after and spending time with our families/children and being able to provide our fullest attention at work.

I feel that working mom's tend to be underappreciated, speaking as one myself. It's harder to be a mother, especially when the kids are toddlers/young children. They require more attention and more guidance because this is the stage of learning, they are literal sponges. Monkey see, monkey do - literally!

In these formative years, are the times most mom's are working and also at an age of the either make it or break it stage. Being young enough to put in the effort and time to reap the benefits through promotions and expanded roles and other opportunities. Many times, women either miss these opportunities or fully grasp them but become less involved in their children's/family's life. Most opting to be more involved then anything else. Children trump all else!

It's hard, I do admit. However, these days it is getting easier and better. Overall everyone is more aware of the struggle and men are becoming more involved as well - not to say they weren't in the past, they did but in a different way. They were the breadwinners, that's just how life was. Nowadays, things are shifting and for the better. The load of struggles is shared between both partners, all the good and bad is experienced by both and both make sacrifices for their families. And that includes their wives, not just the children.

I will say that I am very blessed to have a very supportive husband who is willing, not happily, but willing to do all the housework, cooking and looking after the kids while I work or take my late night or even over night calls. He understands these opportunities are good for me and my career and fully supports me. In return I do that same. It's a give and take and it works, at least for us. I do believe it will and does for many others but I rather not speak on behalf of anyone other than myself.

There are many more thoughts in my head but I shall leave those for another post and for now, sign off, bath and have a nice cold beer while catching up on my show.

Mind, Body and Soul

I had written a long post just now and deleted the whole thing. For some reason, I feel like my mind just isn't in the right space right now. I'm actually in a call right now as I type this, 10.30pm my time. 

It just seems that while I want to pen my thoughts, other thoughts start flooding my brain. Now this does happen on a daily basis and I always thought I was weird when I was younger and unable to stay focused. Not sure if this is a focus issue or just my mind walking it's own path because it's what my mind and soul needs. Mind, body and soul.

My mind wanders, my body aches and my soul feels heavy. I remember when I use to feel like this and I remember at what exact point in my life it changed. And I know at exactly what stage and point in my life it reverted back!

May 2004 - my mind wandered, my body ached but my soul became light.
Jan 2008 - my mind wandered (but creatively this time), my body still ached and my soul remained light.
Nov 2014 - my mind wandered less, my body ached less and my soul was light.
Aug 2016 - my mind became forgetful, my body ached terribly and my soul was still light.
Sep 2017 - my mind wandered again, my body ached and my soul became heavy.
May 2018 - mind wandered more, body still ached and soul became heavier.

Each is a significant milestone in my life and I know exactly when and why each change happened or why it reverted. Will I go back and change anything, no not ever! These milestones, good or bad, are mine and mine alone that I needed to go through and still go through for a few reasons.

Personal development, mental stability, spiritual strength 

Right now, my mind wanders to many topics that I want to think over, discuss or talk them over with someone. My body aches more since covid because all I do is sit here at my desk for hours in meetings, trainings, replying emails and getting daily tasks done. Yes, I can make time to get up and stretch but honestly, my schedule is pretty packed for like 9-10hrs daily! My current movements and stretching is to get a drink since I now stopped using my 2L water bottle because I would just end up sitting down and not getting up. Spiritually, I do feel stagnant, not heavy, just stationary.

Which to me is a very interesting phase to be in, and yes I call it a phase because I believe all of these are phases in life that we go through. They can vary for each individual, some may never even experience some and some may experience some or all. But I believe just as there are variations of us there are phases we go through during different parts of our lives. Not to get all psychological here, just my thoughts streaming out of my wandering mind, and non linked thoughts.

Maybe things will improve, maybe they won't till some time, but either way, may my mind, body and soul - in whatever varying way it may be, be in tune with each other and balanced within me.

I don't know what to say

 I just don't know what to say - this is one of the most common phrases my elder son uses whenever I ask him to talk to his grandmothers over the phone at any time. At the moment he speaks this sentence, I get extremely frustrated with him, but at the same time, after the conversation has ended, it makes me reflect on how true this statement really is.

As adults, we get forced into situations that force us to interact and mingle with others. Even to the point of making us very uncomfortable. It has happened many times to me, I am an introvert so this will make complete sense to other introverts, but maybe not so much extroverts.

Either way, be it for work or personal, I find it very unsettling when forced to speak or interact with people. Now these people don't have to be strangers, I can know them very well, like colleagues at work or acquaintances I know through friends or family. Still very awkward and uncomfortable. Sometimes to the point there is nothing to say. 

Now many of you may feel that, well if there is nothing to say, then say nothing and walk away. You should always be in a comfortable situation and never otherwise. However, I disagree! If I went for a work function and the aim is team building and getting to know your colleagues from other departments that you do work with and need to work closely with - collaboration!! By walking away and not engaging you are now seen as someone who is rude, unfriendly and unsociable. Which may not be true at all! You could be the nicest, most friendliest person that ever lived, you just prefer a tight circle of friends, your ride or die crew.

Sadly, society does dictate who and how we are, to a certain degree it does force us into situations were all we want to say is, "Í don't know what to say" or "Ï don't want to talk to you right now, or anyone for that matter". 

But as adults, this is seen as rude. Now there are times where I would just be like, heck with everything and everyone but there really are certain situations where this just cannot be done. Those are the ones I'm talking about here. To be able to live a life with the simplicity and matter-of-factness of a child is just the absolute ideal, but not practical. People are always judging and no matter what we tell ourselves or others that people's opinions of us don't matter, they do. Because those opinions may be formed by potential bosses, clients, customers and so on. There are times we just need to put our best foot forward and trudge through. 

The only relief I feel we truly have is knowing that ultimately we are who we are and we need to stay true to ourselves. This means, people are going to see various versions of us, we just need to make sure that the most common version they see if the our true self. There are moments when I will be angry, upset, sad or just emotional and have a complete breakdown. Now these are all me, but they are versions of me based on external and internal situations, the 'normal' me, will be the version that I am most of the time, in general and when comfortable. 

The only issues is, people need to be true and not fake. Honestly though, I'm not sure about others but in my mind, it looks really tough to always be someone different then your true self. It's just too much work, hard work! And effort, I don't have the time or the capacity to keep up with that. Bad enough I don't want to deal with people when I'm in my calm state let alone alter my whole personality and way of thinking and feeling, so not worth the time and effort. 

Anyway, this wasn't suppose to end up as a rant, it was just more of an appreciation of a child's innocence. Offensive, maybe but innocent and true. Because when they say "I don't know what to say", they mean it literally, no ill intentions, no malice or rudeness - just pure innocence and truth!

May all be well

 Ever been stuck between decided whether to just stop everything and take care of yourself or continue taking care of everyone else instead?

I have been in such a state for about a month now, debating between getting work done, housework and taking care of the kids. All while enduring a very odd, and random localized pain in my finger joint. 

May not sound like much but let me tell you, it truly does hurt. Hurts to the point that I have broken plates and bowls because the pain was too much to bear trying to lift or carry these dishes to wash, or place on the dishrack to dry or even to put away after dry. The only funny part of this whole thing I see, is that it is my middle finger. As I go about my daily routine, my middle finger of my left hand will be straight to prevent any further pain. I must be careful though, especially when I am out to ensure that although it remains straight to prevent pain, it shall not be in any weird or awkward position so as to not be unintentionally flipping people off! 

Not to get off topic, today I finally caved and went to see the doctor to find out what is wrong and now need to have it x-rayed. Both my boys aren't too thrilled for me to go for an x-ray, they believe that if I go to the hospital for any reason I will have to stay there and not be with them. They fear that the most I believe, and it breaks my heart to see their sad faces as they say this. 

but that is just it, maybe if I had taken better care earlier, seen a doctor earlier, done something, anything maybe this will have a different outcome, however, every time I think back, I highly doubt I would have done anything different because I need to work to earn money, I need to help with housework now that we have no helper and I need to take care of my boys because that's what they need from their parents.

My husband does his fair share of things around the house, work and taking care of the kids. Honestly, he has way more stamina and capability than me, I get so tired so quickly. Being more active is definitely something that I need to start doing but it is so hard to get motivated. Finding this motivation always seems so fleeting. Here today or this week and then gone the next. Too tired, too lazy, too sore or too much work to get done and not enough rest. A never-ending cycle that only I can break but need motivation to break first. 

Though at times I feel that once this pain in my finger is addressed, and my neck/back is too, I will be more motivated and more energetic, but again, these may all just be excuses I am conjuring in my head to justify my actions of laziness.

Self-care or selflessness for others, the ones around me. This is a hard one to debate. We should take care of ourselves first before being able to take care of others, but honestly, wives and mothers out there, please do let me know if it is actually supposed to be this way or a selflessness towards your family and children. I truly believe that no matter what is taught or said when it comes down to it, we will first settle and ensure our kids are safe and take care of before we do anything for ourselves. Pain will be endured for this sake, it is hard to say it depends on the circumstances because I feel it does not. Whether dire or basic, mothers, no parents, in general will always put the needs of their children and families before themselves. Well, I have endured, for about a month before caving because it went from dull and irritating to painful and hard to get daily tasks done to unbearable pain that caused my plates and bowls to break. This is a sad reality of life.

I did get a pretty long nagging from both my mom and mother in-law, but it fell on deaf ears because I still did what I could with only my right hand - which by the way is my non-dominant hand. Guess we shall wait to see what the x-ray reveals, hopefully nothing serious and all I need is some rest for it to heal.

May all be well!

I'm back with a Dell

 It's been a while since I last posted anything here. Honestly, it's nice to be able to log in and just type all my thoughts and feelings here. Oddly enough though, one reason for my hiatus was actually because I did not have a PC of my own. I know right? But hear me out, okay. 

I got my first laptop, a Toshiba, back in 2003 and I used it for school and my complete social life, at the time. Once it decided enough was enough, it kind of died on me forcing me to look for another one. Now bear in mind this is still the late 2000's. After my Toshiba completely died, I decided to give into the hype and got myself a Mac Pro, it was a pretty big deal at the time. Honestly though, and not to offend any Apple lovers here, but I never really loved nor understood that Mac book. I struggled to use it, but it did allow me to write post here but to really utilize it the way I did my Toshiba - I just couldn't! My Toshiba was with me for about 8-9years. Now for a laptop, that is fantastic life and usage!! But it was different with the Mac. Now don't get me wrong, there wasn't anything wrong with the laptop itself, it's just that I'm not much of an Apple consumer. I missed Windows and everything familiar to me.

My Mac didn't last that long with me, maybe about 4-5years? My sister's laptop, also a Mac book Pro, exact same model as mine, crashed and her display wasn't working or anything. So, my husband asked if I would mind swapping over her hard drive into my laptop since I wasn't really using it anymore. It was a no brainer for me. By that time, I was so busy with work and everything that I spent most of my time on my office laptop and didn't even touch my Mac anymore, so yeah gave it to my sister. She is still an Apple user till today, Mac book, iPad but I did get her a Samsung as a handphone and so far, no complaints from here, seeing that it was free.

Back to the main topic, I noticed throughout the years I was only using and reaching for my office laptop. Which never did bother me until recently. Cyber-security and all that stuff now, Single Sign On and USB restrictions. Now these three made it really hard to use the office laptop as a person laptop. Doesn't mean I didn't use it, I was just more cautious when I did use it for anything person because of the Single Sign On (SSO) via Okta, it truly did make logging into my personal accounts really hard. So, I caved and told my husband this year will be the year that I buy myself a laptop! My very own after close to 10years, thereabout.

There was an IT Fair recently, just this past weekend and we went down, and I bought myself a brand-new Dell laptop! Now this is hilarious to me because my work laptops have all been Dell, been with my company for 16years and have used Dell throughout, so to get a Dell as a personal laptop, just made me laugh. But there is no denying the service support and capabilities are good - to me!

So here I am, typing away on my new laptop, it feels kind of surreal to be honest, but I am still enjoying the whole setting it up and having everything personalized again. Haven't had a personalized laptop in so long because my company does restrict all those settings. Meaning the background and color schemes are fixed and locked, worse is the screen's background picture changes every month so whatever the company wants to advertise' that month, but sometimes the colors just don't work out. 

There is this one background that is basically all white, ALL WHITE, and not the font color of the files on my desktop don't get changed they remain WHITE as well. How am I supposed to read any of my file names??!! It is atrocious if I may provide my very honest feedback and opinion. I rather it remains a single solid color if that is the case and not do all this fancy stuff which just makes everything so messy and uncomfortable to the eyes. The worst part is, I have to rearrange the icons on my desktop because of these backgrounds!

I feel like now with my very own laptop and being able to customize the color schemes and all that just makes me feel nice about being on the laptop again. Logging into here and typing out a post. This may seem like an odd thing to write about but like I said, this is all about my penning down my thoughts and feelings and right now my thoughts and feelings are pure joy that this laptop has given me. Such joy from such a mundane thing in life. Guess it is true, you never truly understand the value of something till you lose it. I am just thankful I finally got it back, makes me rethink certain aspects of life just because. That shall be for another post, for now, I shall go back to customizing this to my liking. Slowly it will take shape of something fantastic!!

Changi

Ever woke up with bruises before and had no clue where they came from? Sometimes they hurt when you press them and sometimes they don't. 

Recently, I have been waking with bruises, not daily, just randomly but a little more frequent then previously. When my kids were younger, like, babies then yeah it was common getting kicked or punched by them when they slept. Now not so much, yet still happens once in a while. 

It does freak me out a little because it just reminds me of the worse and scariest experience I ever had in my life. Let me take you back and tell the story here.

Back in Sep 2010 my office moved from Pasir Panjang to Changi. At the time it didn't really seem like a great option but when we physically went down and saw the new office and facilities we were happy. I mean it was bigger and better, way better than the previous office/workshop. 

After moving, there was a security guard there who would always tell us these stories about what she would hear or feel. We listened but never really did believe, guess you could say we were hardcore skeptics. Me being a Christian always felt and thought that I would never have any form or type of experience but man was I wrong. So wrong!

When I was younger I loved, LOVED watching scary movies and shows. Nothing to extreme for a child though but as I got older, the scare factor was increased. It was a normal thing in my family, it's just like everyone in my family, mom, dad and sister all loved scary movies and shows. Till today we still prefer watching scary, horror, ghost movies. It's like a past-time favorite or something now.

Anyways, back to the story. I did have some prior experiences of seeing things but I never did associate it with being able to "see" ghost or other beings. Let alone having the ability to see or feel. As a disclaimer, just let me be clear. What I see is basically a normal looking person, nothing gory or awful. Because of this, I not once thought of it as an ability, I figured I was either actually seeing a real physical person  or speaking to one. But I found out later that I tend to come off weird by talking to myself or staring off into space.

Well working in the medical industry and moving in and out of all the hospitals here, plus the various disciplines, I will say after talking to colleagues, friends and family - I experienced a ton of stuff but didn't realize it at the time. At least those times didn't scare me, this one occurrence actually scared the living day-lights out of me.

So we moved into this new office/workshop back in Sep 2010, at first it was nice. We heard stories from the security guard but we thought she was just easy to spook. There were instances of something "tapping" the window next to my colleagues desk, but it was dismissed as little pebbles or stones being "kicked-up" by the container trucks that were moving in and out of the loading bay area for loading/unloading. Bear in mind, our office/workshop was together with our warehouse. Not our main office because rental is too expensive for the amount of space we need for the workshop area to test and repair the machines, so warehouse rental was cheaper and really out in no mans land.

We would work late, like 11pm-1am or 2am kind of thing because we moved in the middle of an FCA at the time. Two major FCAs were happening simultaneously during this move. Door knob would rattle and we would just be like, or the security guard is just checking on us. It the door wasn't locked they would sometimes open the door to check if anyone was still around so it didn't see odd to us at first.

What seemed weird to me, was the amount of baby cockroaches in the toilet. Bad enough it was a common, shared toilet, so having cockroaches and colleagues who were scared made me have to go in and either kill them or wash them down the drain. Hated it!!

Thought that was weird, because they would come out mostly at night but then I figured it was probably because it was quiet so they figured it was safe to come out and explore?

I did hear rumors about cockroaches signifying that there were spirits nearby, but it needed to be a large numbers. For some reason I did not think seeing like 10-15 cockroaches equated to a large number.

This went on for sometime and no one thought much of it and we just continued working.

Few months later, I wasn't feeling well and I had been diagnosed recently with vasovagal syncope. There were four of us working there - one went to buy dinner, one went for a home-patient swap and the other was suppose to stay with me since I didn't feel well earlier that day. The one who was suppose to stay with me decided that waiting for either of the other two to return was a waste of his time and life, so he left me alone. 

Didn't really think much about it except this guy cannot exactly be relied upon but other than that, nothing. I left the office to go to the bathroom, which was literally like 3-4 steps away from the office front door. Locked the office door since I was the only one around and then placed the key in my front pocket. Went to the bathroom and came back to my office and unlocked the door, only to find some random guy in a polo tee with a landyard and badge for the warehouse employees. 

At first I was stunned how a warehouse employee managed to gain access to my office when I key is needed in order to enter. The other thing was, the door was locked and I had to unlock it to enter. He started asking really weird questions about if I was alone in the office and such. I tried my best to talk him into coming outside of my office to the common area that had cameras and a security guard. 

The security guard did see me signal to her and she started to walk over when I started to back away from the door because he was walking out. Or so I thought! Apparently, while speaking to him, he did start to make his way out of the office to the lift lobby area. However, when I turned to continue speaking to him when he walked to the lift. the security guard just stopped in her tracks and start closing the metal gate that separated the main warehouse from our office space.

It frightened me even more!  I rushed into my office and locked the door because my thought at that time was the guard wasn't going to actually be there to help me! I figured she was too scared finding some random man on the second floor!

After rushing into my office and locking the door, I made my way to my desk to grab my phone to make a call to my colleague who went to buy dinner to quickly come back given the fright I just had. 

But once I reached my desk, my colleague burst through the door telling me to pack and leave. I thought for sure he saw the man! But it turns out no! He didn't see anyone, he just had a bad/uncomfortable feeling and rushed back. Didn't even buy dinner!

He did see the security guard running from the back of the main warehouse along the first floor to the second, she was shouting out to my colleague and her other security colleagues who were stationed downstairs that something happened to me upstairs.

Turns out no one saw anyone or anything! Not even the security, she freaked out because I was talking to something she could not see!! I had a really hard time believing that..well until she decided to show my the security footage from the second floor lift lobby. I seriously look like a weirdo talking to myself and running into my office.

That was the first incident, but unfortunately it was not the last. There was a certain amount of resistance and bravery built up after that encounter. But I was still scared, I didn't want to be alone in the office like ever again. 

Things quietened down for a couple of months before "she" appeared. This is what truly scared me the most and till today, I will not work beyond my office hours of even if it is office hours, I refuse to be alone in the office!!

I just came back from the hospital after a long day of repairs, decided to enter from the workshop instead of the office so I could drop off my test bag and tools. My colleague was sitting at his workbench and there was a lady standing in the middle of the workshop facing my colleague. I figured it was our new sales girl, Samantha. Upon walking in I said Hi! My colleague replied Hi, but the lady didn't say a word and just kept staring at my colleague. I thought to myself...weird walked right past her and said Hi again louder and closer to her. Till this day, I regret doing that!

Dropped my stuff at my bench and made my way to my desk in the office through the sliding door. Saw my manager and told him, hey our new sales girl is so rude. Suddenly this girl comes up from behind and introduces herself as Samantha. In my mind I like WAIT HOLD UP! If your Samantha then who is she?? Both my sales and manager stare at me like who??? I literally turned and pointed and was like her!! Who is she?? All three looked then looked at me...then SHE looked at me. It was so sudden but her face jerked in my direction and next thing I know before I could blink she was in my face. like IN MY FACE!! 

I fell backwards and no one knew what was happening. She disappeared but I was shaking. Every day since that day, she would appear and either stand beside or behind me and just stare at me. Sometimes there would be this icy cold feeling on my legs and I would look under my desk to rub my leg and she would be siting there with her knees bent and head down. I never sat long enough to see her look up at me. I probably would have fainted or something. 

Honestly, I will admit it was really hard to work and focus during that time. I know she didn't like me, she was always like mad at me and would stick to or be near my colleague. If he was out on-site for work or on leave or something, things would escalate and I would end of with bruises. They started off small and sort of insignificant. I figured I must have been clumsy and bumped myself somewhere. But where I was getting the bruises didn't make sense. Till one day there were nail marks, like scratches down the back of the wall behind me. One colleague told me based off of his knowledge, I was going to be injured from my neck to the lower back. 

Next day, I was thrown off my office chair onto the floor with a huge bruise and scratches down my back and on my arms. This was my turning point of fear! 

I spoke to my church priest and asked for anointed oil. I rubbed the oil on my arms and back where the scratches were. Previously, I wanted to respect the multi-cultural and multi-religious country we live in and not say any prayers in the office. But this was my tipping point of just telling everyone, you know that I'm sorry and I know not all believe but to be understanding because I was being affected and surprisingly, all were okay with it. I brought my bible and walked around reading my favorite verse for protection. 

A couple of days when by and I did not see her, but there was another lady I saw. This was wore light brown pants and a white shirt and her hair was in a high bun. She was always chanting. Turns out she was chanting my colleagues full, official name in numbers. Took me a while to figure it out but she was actually his guardian angel. She would speak in a beautiful sing-song voice. She was there to protect him because the other lady - who always wore a red dress. Was trying to hurt or harm one of my colleagues but I seemed to always be in the way and offered a type of protection for him. He is my best friend in office and I do pray for him and his family. My thoughts were maybe that's why I was targeted, one she knew I could see her and  two I was in her way!

I did still see her after that, the one in red, but she was always in the distance. I was so happy when we moved from there to our new office. This new place, is literally a new place. Recently built so there is no history or not much history. The air is lighter and everything just seems better. 

There are times when I go out or to certain places, I can still see "them" not the two ladies but just "them" in general. Never really paid attention to it before but my husband told me he suspected I could see "them" from how I would behave or greet people when walking but no one was there and it would increase during Hungry Ghost Festival (Ghost Month). 

I never paid attention before but aft that experience, I am way more in tuned to what and who is around me and who I actually interact with.

To the New Norm!

Have you ever been so exhausted that all you can look forward to is just crashing out on your bed? I felt that way last night! All I wanted to do since yesterday morning was just sleep. Waking up to my kid's cry for various reasons and then getting up once my husband wakes me to get ready for work, followed by, honestly, just an extremely exhausting and tiring day....

So my day started like any other at 6.45am, little one will wake up for his milk and then decides that it's play time and because he loves watching the sunrise and cars drive by - he sings his Good Morning Mr. Sun song on the top of his lungs. :) he made this song up himself, so it's a different version everyday.

Once the kids are ready then my husband and I will get ready for work. Send the kids to school, I get dropped off at the office then my husband heads out for his day. I know he does a lot of standing and walking being a field engineer. For me, I totally get it, I use to be a field engineer for 6yrs before being moved to a depot service center. Recently, since this whole pandemic, both my husband and I spend pretty much all our day rushing and running between the various hospitals, clinics and home patients making sure that all the equipment are working and if not, we get them up and running ASAP! Patient's very honestly cannot exactly wait for their treatment. 

For my husband it's more ventilators and patient monitors (SpO2, Pulse, HR, BP). For me, it's home dialysis patients, infusion systems in the hospitals and pharmacy equipment making the IV drips and various drops and OT sealant machines.

This whole pandemic just turned out word up-side down, made both of us super busy and we just feel like we missed so much of our boys growing up during the past year. When this APAC role opened up, I as so excited to apply and even more so when I the position. It may mean more hours sitting in front of a computer than I am use to, but it allows me to be at home more and have, maybe not a lot, but a little more time with my kids and that makes the whole process seem like such a blessing to me.

Lastly, a huge salute to every single person who was stuck at home and had to fully and completely work from home! I seriously and whole-heartedly salute each and every one of you. It is not easy to juggle remote working, kids remote home-based learning. Many times it literally removed that line that clearly distinguishes between  work and home life. That balance shifted dramatically for a lot of people. 

As I look around at places opening back up and restrictions being eased, I smile. Because I am happy, truly happy that things are heading in a direction of possibly being normal again. Maybe not exactly the same but in that direction. 

To the New Norm!

2021

 Been thinking about this for a while but for some reason just never really got around to actually logging in and typing. Cannot believe that my account is still here and valid, that it didn't get closed or shut down or anything.

Last post was in Dec 2014 and this is the beginning of 2021. It has been such an interesting and wonderfully up and down stretch of years. 7yrs!! Wow. Let's recap....

2014 - Moved to APD and got married

2015 - independent and full running of APD FTC

2016 - gave birth to first baby boy

2017 - moved into a back-office admin role and turned out to be brilliant at it and moved into our own home

2018 - gave birth to second baby boy

2019 - moved back into Colleague service and helped to build back and restore customer feedback and improve service

2020 - endured and worked through a major pandemic: COVID-19

2021 - moving into a 12month project role for APAC Boost TS Proxy Role

That about sums it up and hopefully I can be back to air my thoughts out and clear my head of everything that is in there plus my heart too!

Guess who's back, back again?? ME!! I'M BACK AGAIN!!! :) 

2014

2013 has been such a roller-coaster ride for me but i will admit it has been better than 2012. 2013 started off rocky and ended wonderfully!! Couldn't have asked for anything better.

Moving into 2014, i am hoping things continue to go well and in this direction. Hoping nothing changes, well except the fact of being regular attending church again, other then that, i like how everything has turned out for 2014 so far.

Let's see how 2014 goes. Beside the change in TS structure...i'm moving over into HomeChoice to replace William's headcount since he was asked to leave. FTC training with William - COMPLETED.
Repair training with Andy - 27-29Jan2014 (let's see if this really happens). Training of Contractor has 3PL for COLLEAGUE - 3rd week of Jan2014 (haven't even had time to get my training material and slides ready). I do hope 2014 will be good to me...past couple of years were rough.

Lastly, BLESSED 2014 PEOPLE!!! Let this year be a year filled with peace, joy, laughter and most of all LOVE!!

Jaded

Never thought i'd feel this way again. Really just thought that everything was behind me. But it just keeps coming back to bite me.

I know my last post was harsh, after that i took a break because i seriously needed to clear my head and mind and get back to thinking straight. I feel i am back in a safe place where i can think logically and not be rash about my actions or thoughts.

Am i hurt? Yes, most definetly. But what can i do? Nothing much, just need to learn how to deal with everything. Learn how to cope and deal with everything in a very zen kind of way. May sound odd to pretty much anyone reading this, but i know myself and this is what i need.

Well, on another note i'm still on hospitalization leave and not exactly back to work yet. Bone's not healing as well as everyone would want it too but what can i do? Keep it elavated and change the dressing regularly because of the wounds and everything.

Sometimes i really do feel like i just have too much on my plate at a time.That's life.....and honestly i have no mood to keep typing here.

Bye.

Losing My Mind

I feel everything leaving my control. I am losing control, everything is slipping out from my hands. I feel like i'm trying to hold on to sand but it just keeps slipping through my fingers no matter how hard i try. The harder i grip to hold tighter, the more it slips right out of my hands through my fingers.

Is this suppose to be some sort of revelation? I was typing that with such frustration and started to have this mental picture of holding sand in my hands. It is so true, the harder or tighter you try to grip the more it slips right out through your fingers but if you hold it loosely it will stay, not fully, but it will stay. You are able to hold more sand when you are less anxious about losing it. Does this apply to people as well?

If i try to hold someone so tight, i might end up suffocating them, and they will run for the hills once they get the chance. If i hold securely enough that they know i'm always there but not too tight they will stay and not slip though. There is also more room to hold more because my hands would be more spread out rather than gripped. Gripped means there is less space.

Enough of this analogy stuff. I need to vent and this is right now is the only portal i am able to do that. I can;t talk to people, because people don't want to speak to me. Highly doubt will even want to speak to me. Never does anyway. All i want to hear is literally just those couple of things. Am i wrong? I don't think so. Is there anything wrong with telling someone they did a good job at the end of project or presentation. Yes they may know you are proud of them but there is nothing wrong with saying it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to hear it either! If a child wants to hear those type of praises from a parent, what makes me so different? Why am i not entitled to hear those same praises as well? Do i not deserve them? Am i just suppose to know and not wait or want to hear them? I'm human too! I have feelings too and right now my are hurt.

I just feel like crying right now. I really feel like i'm all alone and no one understands me. No one gets me or how i'm feeling right now. I feel alone, i feel deserted. I feel unwanted....unloved....

Questions?

Who's to blame for a child's mistakes? parents or the child himself? Guess it kind of goes back to the whole - which came first the chicken or the egg?

Both sides need to be examined and given thought. One can't solely be at fault while the other goes scott-free. It just doesn't work that way. Never has and never will. It just doesn't seem fair to judge only one side, or to even judge based on such a question. By default i know it would be most likely that the parent would be blamed. But why?

Parents are the ones who teach, nurture and raise the child. Till today i believe in this saying:

The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world

Again, it is the parent or the caregiver who raises the child; develops them. However, now we need to move into a more practical mindset. Media! Social media, commercial media, all forms of media are to be blamed for the development of a child as well.

Are parent's to blame? Yes! Should we blame the child as well? Yes. Children make themselves susceptible to all forms of influence and the worse is the media and peers! It is the role of the parent to help filter that influence. But again, it is also up to the child to be comfortable enough to go to the parents and tell them about the pressures they face and seek advice from them. But which child does that nowadays? Near to none.

Somehow i do feel that maybe, just maybe, i should not say too much about who is to blame or who is not to blame since i don't exactly have any children. I do hope that when i do have kids, i and my husband will be able to nurture them in such a manner where they will feel comfortable enough to come to either of us with their problems. I do know that regardless, they will still seek advice from their friends and peers, but i just hope and pray they don't go to the internet for answers. That is officially the worst place to go looking for advice. Sadly enough, we live in a GOOGLE age and it's only going to get worse.

I mean think about it, children know how to use GOOGLE before they learn how to read, write or even walk..!! Sigh.

In my opinion and, also since this is my blog where my thoughts get penned down, i still say that both parties are to blame, but i will give it a ratio of  7:3 - Parent : Child

You can agree or disagree, i rather agree to disagree. Makes life a better more colorful place

swine influenza has everyone talking. worst still, hospitals on alert!

guess it's okay actually, just that in my case there is no way i'm going to be briefed on proper procedures for next month's PM.

there is always a ton of things that go through my mind on a daily basis but once i sit here to type an entry, my mind just goes blank and can only focus on work. make sure all emails are checked and replied, make sure i have all reports and FSR, checklists completed, and most importantly that every checklist has an ESA result slip.

work has been stressful. but what i am thankful for is yasmine and kelvin, the support i get from them is just wonderful. finally someone knows and understands what i go through and the amount of crap i have to put up with. all i need to do now is get mails (complaints) out like within the same day.

only problem is, i don't see it as a major issue...but jeff does so it gets blown out before i can raise the issuse..and then i get questioned why i didn't raise the issue..well i didn't believe there was any issue!! sigh...fustrating!!

well i got a new layout, new skin..blah blah..but yeah really just want to start pening everything down here. my pesonal portal to just let everything out and hopefully it helps me this year to handle all that will be thrown at me.

thankful to ivan and tom..both brothers are so supportive towards that youth..and tom is helping out his younger brother...it just amazes me! but i'm most thankful to their mom! aunt shirley was so ready and okay with her son's doing this, actively! and ivan is in JC1 and tom just entered NS so currently, 2 week confinement followed by 2 week outfield and get came for Achen's farewell youth session on the same day he first booked out from army! these are the youth we need to grab and hold on to...really need to get that youth service up and running!

now it's just wait for the new achen, go for guitar class, malaylam class and then get that BBQ up and going so we cna interact with achen and know where he stands with out monthly bible studies and youth service...

currently just need to get mother's day and father's day settled and then get started on another NOP (Night of Praise) love the name nina gave it! so meaningful! something no one will ever forget...i certainly won't ever forget our first NOP and our first ever musical Prince of Egypt.

Let's see how this year goes...so far so good =b

I'm back

After a much needed and much wanted rest, I am back!! Going to try to at least post one entry a week, the least! So much has happened this year alone. With church and work. It's just way too much to be typing here.

Firstly, caps will be out the window cause it's so much easier to type with all small letters. So yeah. Well, we'll see how that goes, getting use to work style.

Secondly, quick question, which should I look into? I need a new PC, so I'm like between building one and buying a iMac. Give feedback in tagboard! Thanks guys!

Wow! 2008 is gone! Church was a blast. Made so many new friends and am definitely more involved then I've ever been and I do have to admit that I like it. I have fun doing things for the church and with the youth, STYF totally rocks!! But then again all good things must come to an end, so we'll see how this year's elections for the new committee members go. I'm hoping for a good team of youth that can really lead the youth and move them forward! We've really took them all and made a great leap purely on faith! God is great, wonderful, awesome, amazing! Words can't fully describe Him. (by the way do check out my facebook account for video of the youth's item for christmas 2008)

Work has been stressful. Really feeling the politics now, feeling less and less protected by William. It's like he's just throwing us into the deep end and not bothering but more of mocking. More me than Andy I feel. It's like Andy gets more guidance and help and better assignments. Is it really because I am late for work sometimes, or at least when I schedule appointments with TTSH. I so know that Jeff is, and quite literally, reporting everything move i make to william. Irritating!! I swear he (jeff) keeps talking about just doing the pumps "temporary", i so don't believe that! Png just wants to make life harder for me and Baxter. If not he (png) won't be asking everytime he sees me, 'oh you're still with baxter?... you still enjoy working with baxter?'
Seriouly how irritating can this be? Everytime i see him!! But he so runs when he sees william. William feels that they all respect him and listen to him. Sigh if he could only hear what they say behind his back. Wouldn't doubt it if william and jeff are good friends. They seem to hit it off, just play with my head that they're not. So possibile. I remember he told dorothy once about jeff donating blood and how he would schedule same day and time with him just to meet and have conversation while donating blood. sickening if you ask me. to stoop to that level...sad..and now he wants a promotion and wants to use baxter's 10day, 30day, 60day breakdown to justify and he can acutally tell me to help him get his promotion! What's in it for me? I'm the one suffering under him, not you! irritating!

See so much to complain about work, nothing much about the totally awesome stuff we did at church and sigh. Prince of Eygpt was a blast, great show, Night of Praise 2008 wonderful! christmas, seriously go check out my facebook account. (moonshine_teardust@yahoo.com) add me if ur not my friend and would like to check it out. it's under videos of me. Im not really in the video but Nina and myself put that item together, the formations and timing and everything, amazing stuff!

Well, my hair's dry now so i need to be logging off and getting to bed, yes yes i know it's early but i have an early morning tomorrow to make up to mommy for what happened today. Sigh. Gdnite peepz!

WOW

Can't believe how long it has been since I was last here typing. Seriously, wow! July 14 and now it's end Oct. Wow!!

Okay, well I have been like super busy with everything, work is so stressful. Coming to a point were I just can't cope with the load. Yeah Andy has a lot on his plate but dude he gets to stay in the office and workshop and I'm like running around between NUH and TTSH. And honestly, I prefer TTSH. Jeff may be like this weird fanatic, way compulsive but seriously he's way better than Perumal....dummy..

He is like so damn lazy..doesn't bother to even collect the pumps at a steady rate, he collects one shot 20units kind of thing...major dummy!! Like hello, you honestly think that many can be done in like one day??!!! And all William as to say is YES, it needs to be done...fine whatever....
Don't like going to NUH now, that guy just freaks me out...he stands at the doorway of the commissioning room and asks totally personal questions!! Am i married? Is my husband and family here in Singapore? Do my parent's live here?

Told him I'm not married, which was probably the biggest mistake ever, cause he is like so harassing me now! Worst than N.O CK from TTSH ICL...sigh...i attract freaks..this is way sad....

On like a totally new note..nina's grandfather passed away. that was kind of excepted yet really shocking to hear. thought he was going to recover when i saw him that day at CGH. =( the funeral was sad...i just felt like it was all a dream..can only imagine how the family felt..sigh..
but it really made me think of daddy. i really wish i could go back and redo everything, the whole funeral and just everything. Everything went wrong and it just wasn't right, and it hurts to think that i had a part to play in having that happen to him, to his body, he last time here on earth was just like that...but if i could go back, i'd go to the time when he was still around and really force him to go for that check-up...but then again i know it is God's will that he is where he's at now, just wish it wasn't this soon....i wan to spend more time and days with him, more christmas', more birthdays, more fathers' days more everything....

okay this is getting depressing for me so i'm off till next time, hopefully that's soon =)

Stress, stress, stress

Stress can make you or just totally break you. I believe it has broken me as of right now but will make me that much stronger once everything is over.

First and foremost, Jeff. But then on the other hand i really can't blame him for his reactions or words. It was abusive and way too harsh but it was all truth and much needed i guess. Whether or not i deserved it, I'll just take it as i did and apologize for all faults that he views in me. I can try to change, but can only hope that all my attempts are not in vain...

Now its come to the point of trying to live up to all that is accepted. 12pumps a day. Sounds like a lot, it is and worst since i only have my trolley to work with, and two solution bags...two accuracy at a time and that's all....what more could he expect....sigh...

Church youth musical, i love every single one of them...but there are those few who just know exactly what buttons to push to just really piss me off. it's so offensive what they say...their actions...one thing I'm so glad to say is that although i take a backseat to everything, i know where i stand with everyone. i know who i can talk to, who i can trust. Everyone has worked hard, put in so much effort, that an achievement on its own and i love every single one of them for it. really i do.

Right now, I'm like reading through this, and I've noticed one thing. a very major, big, huge thing...this year as been the year that god has called me for His mission. He is now training me and moulding me for what lies ahead for me...i do find it tough as of now, but one thing I'm so grateful for is that no matter what happens, after like 15-20min in prayer with God, i feel so much better and i just fall in love with every single person i have ever come in contact with all over again. its like i just understand what the bigger picture is. its a wonderful feeling, and a beautiful picture. to just sit there and watch how everything fits together and to see that bigger picture right before my eyes...how beautiful is that!? it just gives me that much more strength to keep going, because i really want to see that even bigger picture!! it just gets more and more beautiful!!

My strength comes only from Him!! I would fail at all things if i ever even attempt to stand on my own...He holds me up, He gives me energy and strength for all my tasks. Be it work, church or just in life as a whole. He grants all things through grace...how great is that? how can you not be happy knowing that? that just makes me smile and allows me to take on even bigger and greater tasks...what is there that i cannot accomplish if i have Christ with me? NOTHING!!! =)

Wow, last time i came here and typed anything was in Feb. That's like 3 whole months ago.

Nothing much has happened, the usual busy with my beloved pumps. Man, are they ever demanding. Although they don't ask for much. Just 6monthly maintenance oh and repairs every other month. Haha!!

Work has been pretty good though, honestly. Busy of course! And what with church and all, man do I have a ton of thigns going for me right now. Night of Praise '08 is coming this July. Can't wait! =D The musical will surely be a big hit and much loved. I'm just so pleased and happy at the response so far. At times I will admit that i feel very down because I think that the turn out from the youth will be bad, but to my surprise it is usually quite a good one. And I am ever so thankful to God for that =)

Haven't really met any new people, besides that porter dude. He's not exactly young but I wouldn't classify him as old either, middle-age older end of the time-line =b He's really friendly, but sometimes a little too friendly. Oh and then there's that ISS Pest Control guy. He's malay and I will have to say he is friendly as well. First and foremost are the formalities, after which small talk; usually related to cockroaches or insects or rats, something common. Okay, here let me explain myself.

It all started when Kevin was still downstairs in BME. I was helping him to repair one of the pumps and while opening to investigate, a cockroach ran out and all over the workbench. Obviously this is not something that I tolerate! I mean come on..it is a hospital for one and secondly they have pest controllers going around! So anyways, I made a verbal complaint to Kasturi about it and she called ISS. So this guy came by and I explained what happened and what I saw. So he placed some glue traps around to capture and kill the roaches as well as allow him to monitor how severe the case at this particular workbench was.

So the next week he came by for inspection and all was okay, so he left and that was that! So this continued for quite some time but there were no signs of any cockroaches, so he explained that it was probably just some random roach wandering around. Fair enough. But a couple of days later, I saw another one. Worst part of this whole scenario is that only I see and encounter these roaches. Kevin not once saw any except that first time. And when Cai took over the workbench, he didn't see any either.

so after Kevin left and I surrendered the workbench to Cai, he moved his things over and low and behold I saw another small, light-brown cockroach! So I killed it and kept it as proof! I wanted to show that I wasn't just seeing things! So I let Kasturi know and she called for this ISS guy to come and have a look, he did and well it just kind of progressed into me seeing a roach and complaining about it, and this guy coming down to inspect.

Eventually, more so now, he just stops by periodically to check the place. And that's fine, don't get my wrong here! It's just that while he was there one day, I was seriously curious as to why these roaches were even here! So we chatted a little and I enquired about something that would help with lizards, he gave me 3 strips of 'glue' to just tap the lizard with then throw. Yeah right like I'm gonna do that!! Hello!! I'm like so scared of them think I'm honestly gonna get that close and be like...tap...no way!! But I took it anyways 'cause I didn't want to look like some scared prissy girl. Pride man, purely pride...

So, I guess it just kind of went from there. He gave me his number the other time, said if I saw anything just call him directly. the thing that gets me is that when he comes round for his inspections, he greets me, but the way he looks makes me uncomfy. It's just a normal smile yeah, but his eyes are smiling too, and that makes me feel weird...So now he comes around every other week, says, "Hello! Haven't seen you in a while? How've you been?" So I answer politely that I was there in TTSH just probably in the WDs and that I'm doing fine, and then I ask how he is doing. Then it goes to how busy I am and must be..very career focused and such....sigh.

Terumo came on a little stronger though. I know for ISS it's weird but it's just his eyes and the way he asks questions that make me uncomfortable. But Pableto was like so straighforward about it. The week after Valentine's Day, he was doing PM for one of Cai's units, and I was doing my own PM. So we chatted about stuff and then he asked about my Valentine's Day. told him it was okay, had dinner with my mom. Then he asked about having dinner with a special someone and getting a rose. Told him I didn't have a special dinner with a special someone and nope no rose either. Get this!! The next day when he came, he gave me a rose!! Stunned me and I didn't know what to say or do. Sometimes I think and feel that it's not anything other then that fact that in BME it's dominated by men, so when they see a female around; guess appearance doesn't matter, they get all weird and stuff! Sigh...just work...I'm just thankful that the BME guys are cool with me being there all the time and they don't get all weird on me. That would be like doubly weird....

Okay this is one of those posts that I ramble just a little too much in. But heck I haven't been here for so long don't have anything else to write about. This is the only thing in my head since Tuesday's conversation with that ISS dude...help me!!! Think I'm too nice to people, so I get bullied......

Man has it been ages since I've last typed anything here. New layout, new format to things, this is interesting!



Well, alot has been going on since I lasted wrote an entry. Work has been okay, getting more and more stressful but manageable so far. Deployment will be starting soon..and I'm so not looking forward to it. Seriously, why can't Baxter ever just have a software that works well fora good number of years before the next upgrade...sigh. Church has been pretty good so far taking into consideration I'm the new secretary for the youth! Haha!! But I have Nina to help and we make an excellent team I believe! =D



Okay now time to complain about work!

It's been hectic and that's putting it nicely. TTSH is like so into having me go around the wards and do my PM/BM. PM I'm reluctant but okay with it...BM is just a major nono!! Keep thinking how am I actually going to do the PM and worst case I haven't even prepared for it and I did know about it a while ago but it was never confirmed till my brilliant QA Director decided it was ok to go to the care centres and work. Major sigh!! But all in all work's been pretty ok actually.

Church, well so far so good as well. Everyone has been really helpful and supportive to Nina and myself with everything that we're trying to put together. Never know how much work and effort went into it till now. I have a new found respect to all those who have done this before me, and that includes Dino man! Our first bible study was a blow but the second one, we really put most of our efforts into it and it went superbly! And not to mention the food sale just last Sunday? A north area food sale became a Youth food sale and although we thought that we may not have enough food and the coffee did run out it went really well overall, and we did manage to raise a good sum of profits that are going towards the church building fund! I'm so proud of myself, Nina and the STYF!! =D

Well, I do need to get back to work now. Got loads to do and yes I brought it all home to get it done. Tomorrow reporting directly back to TTSH. If anyone reading this can get their hands on BBraun's new infusion pump manual, please do let me know!!! =b