Not sure how many can relate but recently it just seems that hours, days, weeks and even months tend to merge and blur into something else. Something total non-existent all together. Sounds weird I know, and may not make total sense. But it's the feeling of blurriness that just makes everything feel off. Like floating through life, time and space....
Not sure if there is any logic to this but there is to me. It's more a feeling then a word though. A feeling of tiredness and nothingness all at the same time. Fulfillment and emptiness living together in the same space in harmony with each other. Is that what contentment feels like? I always thought of it being satisfaction, but that doesn't seem like the right word.
Living life appreciating the little things! This is the only way I have found the ability to find joy and happiness in anything! It was so much easier when I was younger but the olde I get, the harder i find being able to find these little things to appreciate. Everyone tells me it's reversed, you take this for granted when you are young and only appreciate everything when you're older. That seems to be the opposite for me. Maybe because there are fewer little and simple things around me? Being cooped up at home pretty much 24/7 maybe affected my ability to appreciate the world and all that is in it?
Maybe i just need to slow down, and slow things down around me to be able to better take the time to be in the moment. Live and enjoy the moment, fully and whole-heartedly. It's been a while since anything was slow. Work is insane right now and will be until after July. All my weekends and holidays are burnt working. The time zones are killing me, I don't know how people do this. Maybe I have yet to find my niche. Maybe it's because there are too many expectations on what it means to be a working from home mom. It honestly gives some free time and flexibility but not much. Not as much as everyone thinks.
Yes, I can be mobile and available to take them for check-ups and possibly do the school runs - but overall. No I don't always have time to cook for them. I do make time to ensure I play with them, bath them and put them to bed. I hope it's quality of time over quantity of time with them.
I pray that for them, time is moving slower, and they are able to better embrace each day and what it has to offer. I pray that I can slow down and learn to not feel guilty over it, not feel guilty for taking time for myself most importantly. I never once hesitated for my family and others but i do for myself. Maybe that's why everything feels surreal and weird. I'm present and absent at the same time. Co-existing through physical presence and mental absence.
