swine influenza has everyone talking. worst still, hospitals on alert!

guess it's okay actually, just that in my case there is no way i'm going to be briefed on proper procedures for next month's PM.

there is always a ton of things that go through my mind on a daily basis but once i sit here to type an entry, my mind just goes blank and can only focus on work. make sure all emails are checked and replied, make sure i have all reports and FSR, checklists completed, and most importantly that every checklist has an ESA result slip.

work has been stressful. but what i am thankful for is yasmine and kelvin, the support i get from them is just wonderful. finally someone knows and understands what i go through and the amount of crap i have to put up with. all i need to do now is get mails (complaints) out like within the same day.

only problem is, i don't see it as a major issue...but jeff does so it gets blown out before i can raise the issuse..and then i get questioned why i didn't raise the issue..well i didn't believe there was any issue!! sigh...fustrating!!

well i got a new layout, new skin..blah blah..but yeah really just want to start pening everything down here. my pesonal portal to just let everything out and hopefully it helps me this year to handle all that will be thrown at me.

thankful to ivan and tom..both brothers are so supportive towards that youth..and tom is helping out his younger brother...it just amazes me! but i'm most thankful to their mom! aunt shirley was so ready and okay with her son's doing this, actively! and ivan is in JC1 and tom just entered NS so currently, 2 week confinement followed by 2 week outfield and get came for Achen's farewell youth session on the same day he first booked out from army! these are the youth we need to grab and hold on to...really need to get that youth service up and running!

now it's just wait for the new achen, go for guitar class, malaylam class and then get that BBQ up and going so we cna interact with achen and know where he stands with out monthly bible studies and youth service...

currently just need to get mother's day and father's day settled and then get started on another NOP (Night of Praise) love the name nina gave it! so meaningful! something no one will ever forget...i certainly won't ever forget our first NOP and our first ever musical Prince of Egypt.

Let's see how this year goes...so far so good =b

I'm back

After a much needed and much wanted rest, I am back!! Going to try to at least post one entry a week, the least! So much has happened this year alone. With church and work. It's just way too much to be typing here.

Firstly, caps will be out the window cause it's so much easier to type with all small letters. So yeah. Well, we'll see how that goes, getting use to work style.

Secondly, quick question, which should I look into? I need a new PC, so I'm like between building one and buying a iMac. Give feedback in tagboard! Thanks guys!

Wow! 2008 is gone! Church was a blast. Made so many new friends and am definitely more involved then I've ever been and I do have to admit that I like it. I have fun doing things for the church and with the youth, STYF totally rocks!! But then again all good things must come to an end, so we'll see how this year's elections for the new committee members go. I'm hoping for a good team of youth that can really lead the youth and move them forward! We've really took them all and made a great leap purely on faith! God is great, wonderful, awesome, amazing! Words can't fully describe Him. (by the way do check out my facebook account for video of the youth's item for christmas 2008)

Work has been stressful. Really feeling the politics now, feeling less and less protected by William. It's like he's just throwing us into the deep end and not bothering but more of mocking. More me than Andy I feel. It's like Andy gets more guidance and help and better assignments. Is it really because I am late for work sometimes, or at least when I schedule appointments with TTSH. I so know that Jeff is, and quite literally, reporting everything move i make to william. Irritating!! I swear he (jeff) keeps talking about just doing the pumps "temporary", i so don't believe that! Png just wants to make life harder for me and Baxter. If not he (png) won't be asking everytime he sees me, 'oh you're still with baxter?... you still enjoy working with baxter?'
Seriouly how irritating can this be? Everytime i see him!! But he so runs when he sees william. William feels that they all respect him and listen to him. Sigh if he could only hear what they say behind his back. Wouldn't doubt it if william and jeff are good friends. They seem to hit it off, just play with my head that they're not. So possibile. I remember he told dorothy once about jeff donating blood and how he would schedule same day and time with him just to meet and have conversation while donating blood. sickening if you ask me. to stoop to that level...sad..and now he wants a promotion and wants to use baxter's 10day, 30day, 60day breakdown to justify and he can acutally tell me to help him get his promotion! What's in it for me? I'm the one suffering under him, not you! irritating!

See so much to complain about work, nothing much about the totally awesome stuff we did at church and sigh. Prince of Eygpt was a blast, great show, Night of Praise 2008 wonderful! christmas, seriously go check out my facebook account. (moonshine_teardust@yahoo.com) add me if ur not my friend and would like to check it out. it's under videos of me. Im not really in the video but Nina and myself put that item together, the formations and timing and everything, amazing stuff!

Well, my hair's dry now so i need to be logging off and getting to bed, yes yes i know it's early but i have an early morning tomorrow to make up to mommy for what happened today. Sigh. Gdnite peepz!

WOW

Can't believe how long it has been since I was last here typing. Seriously, wow! July 14 and now it's end Oct. Wow!!

Okay, well I have been like super busy with everything, work is so stressful. Coming to a point were I just can't cope with the load. Yeah Andy has a lot on his plate but dude he gets to stay in the office and workshop and I'm like running around between NUH and TTSH. And honestly, I prefer TTSH. Jeff may be like this weird fanatic, way compulsive but seriously he's way better than Perumal....dummy..

He is like so damn lazy..doesn't bother to even collect the pumps at a steady rate, he collects one shot 20units kind of thing...major dummy!! Like hello, you honestly think that many can be done in like one day??!!! And all William as to say is YES, it needs to be done...fine whatever....
Don't like going to NUH now, that guy just freaks me out...he stands at the doorway of the commissioning room and asks totally personal questions!! Am i married? Is my husband and family here in Singapore? Do my parent's live here?

Told him I'm not married, which was probably the biggest mistake ever, cause he is like so harassing me now! Worst than N.O CK from TTSH ICL...sigh...i attract freaks..this is way sad....

On like a totally new note..nina's grandfather passed away. that was kind of excepted yet really shocking to hear. thought he was going to recover when i saw him that day at CGH. =( the funeral was sad...i just felt like it was all a dream..can only imagine how the family felt..sigh..
but it really made me think of daddy. i really wish i could go back and redo everything, the whole funeral and just everything. Everything went wrong and it just wasn't right, and it hurts to think that i had a part to play in having that happen to him, to his body, he last time here on earth was just like that...but if i could go back, i'd go to the time when he was still around and really force him to go for that check-up...but then again i know it is God's will that he is where he's at now, just wish it wasn't this soon....i wan to spend more time and days with him, more christmas', more birthdays, more fathers' days more everything....

okay this is getting depressing for me so i'm off till next time, hopefully that's soon =)

Stress, stress, stress

Stress can make you or just totally break you. I believe it has broken me as of right now but will make me that much stronger once everything is over.

First and foremost, Jeff. But then on the other hand i really can't blame him for his reactions or words. It was abusive and way too harsh but it was all truth and much needed i guess. Whether or not i deserved it, I'll just take it as i did and apologize for all faults that he views in me. I can try to change, but can only hope that all my attempts are not in vain...

Now its come to the point of trying to live up to all that is accepted. 12pumps a day. Sounds like a lot, it is and worst since i only have my trolley to work with, and two solution bags...two accuracy at a time and that's all....what more could he expect....sigh...

Church youth musical, i love every single one of them...but there are those few who just know exactly what buttons to push to just really piss me off. it's so offensive what they say...their actions...one thing I'm so glad to say is that although i take a backseat to everything, i know where i stand with everyone. i know who i can talk to, who i can trust. Everyone has worked hard, put in so much effort, that an achievement on its own and i love every single one of them for it. really i do.

Right now, I'm like reading through this, and I've noticed one thing. a very major, big, huge thing...this year as been the year that god has called me for His mission. He is now training me and moulding me for what lies ahead for me...i do find it tough as of now, but one thing I'm so grateful for is that no matter what happens, after like 15-20min in prayer with God, i feel so much better and i just fall in love with every single person i have ever come in contact with all over again. its like i just understand what the bigger picture is. its a wonderful feeling, and a beautiful picture. to just sit there and watch how everything fits together and to see that bigger picture right before my eyes...how beautiful is that!? it just gives me that much more strength to keep going, because i really want to see that even bigger picture!! it just gets more and more beautiful!!

My strength comes only from Him!! I would fail at all things if i ever even attempt to stand on my own...He holds me up, He gives me energy and strength for all my tasks. Be it work, church or just in life as a whole. He grants all things through grace...how great is that? how can you not be happy knowing that? that just makes me smile and allows me to take on even bigger and greater tasks...what is there that i cannot accomplish if i have Christ with me? NOTHING!!! =)

Wow, last time i came here and typed anything was in Feb. That's like 3 whole months ago.

Nothing much has happened, the usual busy with my beloved pumps. Man, are they ever demanding. Although they don't ask for much. Just 6monthly maintenance oh and repairs every other month. Haha!!

Work has been pretty good though, honestly. Busy of course! And what with church and all, man do I have a ton of thigns going for me right now. Night of Praise '08 is coming this July. Can't wait! =D The musical will surely be a big hit and much loved. I'm just so pleased and happy at the response so far. At times I will admit that i feel very down because I think that the turn out from the youth will be bad, but to my surprise it is usually quite a good one. And I am ever so thankful to God for that =)

Haven't really met any new people, besides that porter dude. He's not exactly young but I wouldn't classify him as old either, middle-age older end of the time-line =b He's really friendly, but sometimes a little too friendly. Oh and then there's that ISS Pest Control guy. He's malay and I will have to say he is friendly as well. First and foremost are the formalities, after which small talk; usually related to cockroaches or insects or rats, something common. Okay, here let me explain myself.

It all started when Kevin was still downstairs in BME. I was helping him to repair one of the pumps and while opening to investigate, a cockroach ran out and all over the workbench. Obviously this is not something that I tolerate! I mean come on..it is a hospital for one and secondly they have pest controllers going around! So anyways, I made a verbal complaint to Kasturi about it and she called ISS. So this guy came by and I explained what happened and what I saw. So he placed some glue traps around to capture and kill the roaches as well as allow him to monitor how severe the case at this particular workbench was.

So the next week he came by for inspection and all was okay, so he left and that was that! So this continued for quite some time but there were no signs of any cockroaches, so he explained that it was probably just some random roach wandering around. Fair enough. But a couple of days later, I saw another one. Worst part of this whole scenario is that only I see and encounter these roaches. Kevin not once saw any except that first time. And when Cai took over the workbench, he didn't see any either.

so after Kevin left and I surrendered the workbench to Cai, he moved his things over and low and behold I saw another small, light-brown cockroach! So I killed it and kept it as proof! I wanted to show that I wasn't just seeing things! So I let Kasturi know and she called for this ISS guy to come and have a look, he did and well it just kind of progressed into me seeing a roach and complaining about it, and this guy coming down to inspect.

Eventually, more so now, he just stops by periodically to check the place. And that's fine, don't get my wrong here! It's just that while he was there one day, I was seriously curious as to why these roaches were even here! So we chatted a little and I enquired about something that would help with lizards, he gave me 3 strips of 'glue' to just tap the lizard with then throw. Yeah right like I'm gonna do that!! Hello!! I'm like so scared of them think I'm honestly gonna get that close and be like...tap...no way!! But I took it anyways 'cause I didn't want to look like some scared prissy girl. Pride man, purely pride...

So, I guess it just kind of went from there. He gave me his number the other time, said if I saw anything just call him directly. the thing that gets me is that when he comes round for his inspections, he greets me, but the way he looks makes me uncomfy. It's just a normal smile yeah, but his eyes are smiling too, and that makes me feel weird...So now he comes around every other week, says, "Hello! Haven't seen you in a while? How've you been?" So I answer politely that I was there in TTSH just probably in the WDs and that I'm doing fine, and then I ask how he is doing. Then it goes to how busy I am and must be..very career focused and such....sigh.

Terumo came on a little stronger though. I know for ISS it's weird but it's just his eyes and the way he asks questions that make me uncomfortable. But Pableto was like so straighforward about it. The week after Valentine's Day, he was doing PM for one of Cai's units, and I was doing my own PM. So we chatted about stuff and then he asked about my Valentine's Day. told him it was okay, had dinner with my mom. Then he asked about having dinner with a special someone and getting a rose. Told him I didn't have a special dinner with a special someone and nope no rose either. Get this!! The next day when he came, he gave me a rose!! Stunned me and I didn't know what to say or do. Sometimes I think and feel that it's not anything other then that fact that in BME it's dominated by men, so when they see a female around; guess appearance doesn't matter, they get all weird and stuff! Sigh...just work...I'm just thankful that the BME guys are cool with me being there all the time and they don't get all weird on me. That would be like doubly weird....

Okay this is one of those posts that I ramble just a little too much in. But heck I haven't been here for so long don't have anything else to write about. This is the only thing in my head since Tuesday's conversation with that ISS dude...help me!!! Think I'm too nice to people, so I get bullied......

Man has it been ages since I've last typed anything here. New layout, new format to things, this is interesting!



Well, alot has been going on since I lasted wrote an entry. Work has been okay, getting more and more stressful but manageable so far. Deployment will be starting soon..and I'm so not looking forward to it. Seriously, why can't Baxter ever just have a software that works well fora good number of years before the next upgrade...sigh. Church has been pretty good so far taking into consideration I'm the new secretary for the youth! Haha!! But I have Nina to help and we make an excellent team I believe! =D



Okay now time to complain about work!

It's been hectic and that's putting it nicely. TTSH is like so into having me go around the wards and do my PM/BM. PM I'm reluctant but okay with it...BM is just a major nono!! Keep thinking how am I actually going to do the PM and worst case I haven't even prepared for it and I did know about it a while ago but it was never confirmed till my brilliant QA Director decided it was ok to go to the care centres and work. Major sigh!! But all in all work's been pretty ok actually.

Church, well so far so good as well. Everyone has been really helpful and supportive to Nina and myself with everything that we're trying to put together. Never know how much work and effort went into it till now. I have a new found respect to all those who have done this before me, and that includes Dino man! Our first bible study was a blow but the second one, we really put most of our efforts into it and it went superbly! And not to mention the food sale just last Sunday? A north area food sale became a Youth food sale and although we thought that we may not have enough food and the coffee did run out it went really well overall, and we did manage to raise a good sum of profits that are going towards the church building fund! I'm so proud of myself, Nina and the STYF!! =D

Well, I do need to get back to work now. Got loads to do and yes I brought it all home to get it done. Tomorrow reporting directly back to TTSH. If anyone reading this can get their hands on BBraun's new infusion pump manual, please do let me know!!! =b

Sometimes I wonder about people, what goes through their minds, what thoughts are being processed while certain events are taking place. It's like some will get so agitated so easily while others are not really fazed by what goes on. Whether or not they've noticed is another point altogether.

I feel really offended right now, kind of unwanted.

It has been like this for the longest time, me and my family ( referring to my cousins) are not exactly close at all. So whom am I close too? My eldest cousin and my third eldest cousin. I can talk to them, feel like we're on the same frequency, that kind of thing. With the others it's like we clash; thoughts, behaviour and definition of right and wrong!

Everyone usually always looks forward to family functions and I try to avoid them the best I can or I try to have Shuxin follow me. Just to have someone to talk too, to hang out with. Am I a loner? Not really, just that I need to have someone around that I click with and can sit and have a good time with and not worry about what is being said once i turn my back.

Sisterly bonding, whatever; my own sister doesn't even bother with me, I mean yeah I know she loves me blah blah; seriously she does just weird way of showing so yeah. But we're night and day and just see things totally different. So naturally she gets along better with my cousins and again I'm left alone, out of the circle.

To type this and not cry will not be possible, however I need to get it all out of my system and this is my channel. Who reads this? God only knows.....I only know of 2 people. Sad I know.

The worst part of it all isn't just the way I feel but more of not having anyone to talk to about everything. Yes, I can talk to Shuxin and pour everything out to him, but that would be like airing all my dirty laundry in a confined public place (it makes sense).

I don't know, every time I think I've found someone to talk to, to confide in, to just spill everything too, I'm proven wrong. JL, I would love to call and bug you and stuff but I can't really disturb you because you have your own things going on and a certain someone you want to be talking to. Time and place, time and place.

It's sad to know and to think about it though. I can start and hold a conversation with someone who's twice my age better then I can with one who is around my age. Should this be the case? I doubt so. I hate having to make new friends, never was any good at it. Always only made a couple and that was it. Never left my comfort zone and don't really want to. Me and crowds just don't go well. Try but it's not easy to do without being condemned for it.

It's easier to make friends with a guy than a girl; girls are way too bitchy and think too much! Guys just take what comes and don't think so much and it doesn't take long for them to figure out that I'm not dumb, just naive in certain areas of their expertise. However, it is still looked down upon, just wrong and seen as flirting.....I myself don't really know how it comes to being seen or judged as that but fine then, so be it.

It's all just so irritating!! And majorly frustrating!! Think I'm best off just doing things all by myself so that everyone has to keep their mouths shut because there's nothing for them to say, but then again it they really want to; and they do, they'd find ways and means to bring something up to gossip about. It's just hurtful when it's about you. Worst still when you know and have to carry on smiling pretending that you don't know because they don't know that you know. How nice are they to my face; total deception, it's pathetic!!

I miss my friends, my comfort zone, my everything that I once had. Now it just feels as though it's all been yanked away from me, like pulling a rug out from under my feet, knowing and watching my fall in the process and then walking off filled with satisfaction. That hurts the most, being kicked when you're already down, with no choice but struggle to get back up with everyone laughing and mocking and trying to push you right back down. Watching, to be made a fool of, a total mockery.

Who are true friends and how to find them amongst all these impostors? I don't know, I'm tired of searching trying to find them and being let down every time. I miss Ger, JL, Shai, Melia....Priscilla, I miss all of you, my actually friends, you're there more for me then my own family (my age group that is), which is sad you're right but what to do? I'm not going to change who I am!! But it still hurts, worst then most other things in life; to feel unwanted by people whom you should be close to, people who you should be trusting to have your back but are letting you fall. Being a helping hand in the process of pushing.....very hurtful....