Sometimes I wonder about people, what goes through their minds, what thoughts are being processed while certain events are taking place. It's like some will get so agitated so easily while others are not really fazed by what goes on. Whether or not they've noticed is another point altogether.

I feel really offended right now, kind of unwanted.

It has been like this for the longest time, me and my family ( referring to my cousins) are not exactly close at all. So whom am I close too? My eldest cousin and my third eldest cousin. I can talk to them, feel like we're on the same frequency, that kind of thing. With the others it's like we clash; thoughts, behaviour and definition of right and wrong!

Everyone usually always looks forward to family functions and I try to avoid them the best I can or I try to have Shuxin follow me. Just to have someone to talk too, to hang out with. Am I a loner? Not really, just that I need to have someone around that I click with and can sit and have a good time with and not worry about what is being said once i turn my back.

Sisterly bonding, whatever; my own sister doesn't even bother with me, I mean yeah I know she loves me blah blah; seriously she does just weird way of showing so yeah. But we're night and day and just see things totally different. So naturally she gets along better with my cousins and again I'm left alone, out of the circle.

To type this and not cry will not be possible, however I need to get it all out of my system and this is my channel. Who reads this? God only knows.....I only know of 2 people. Sad I know.

The worst part of it all isn't just the way I feel but more of not having anyone to talk to about everything. Yes, I can talk to Shuxin and pour everything out to him, but that would be like airing all my dirty laundry in a confined public place (it makes sense).

I don't know, every time I think I've found someone to talk to, to confide in, to just spill everything too, I'm proven wrong. JL, I would love to call and bug you and stuff but I can't really disturb you because you have your own things going on and a certain someone you want to be talking to. Time and place, time and place.

It's sad to know and to think about it though. I can start and hold a conversation with someone who's twice my age better then I can with one who is around my age. Should this be the case? I doubt so. I hate having to make new friends, never was any good at it. Always only made a couple and that was it. Never left my comfort zone and don't really want to. Me and crowds just don't go well. Try but it's not easy to do without being condemned for it.

It's easier to make friends with a guy than a girl; girls are way too bitchy and think too much! Guys just take what comes and don't think so much and it doesn't take long for them to figure out that I'm not dumb, just naive in certain areas of their expertise. However, it is still looked down upon, just wrong and seen as flirting.....I myself don't really know how it comes to being seen or judged as that but fine then, so be it.

It's all just so irritating!! And majorly frustrating!! Think I'm best off just doing things all by myself so that everyone has to keep their mouths shut because there's nothing for them to say, but then again it they really want to; and they do, they'd find ways and means to bring something up to gossip about. It's just hurtful when it's about you. Worst still when you know and have to carry on smiling pretending that you don't know because they don't know that you know. How nice are they to my face; total deception, it's pathetic!!

I miss my friends, my comfort zone, my everything that I once had. Now it just feels as though it's all been yanked away from me, like pulling a rug out from under my feet, knowing and watching my fall in the process and then walking off filled with satisfaction. That hurts the most, being kicked when you're already down, with no choice but struggle to get back up with everyone laughing and mocking and trying to push you right back down. Watching, to be made a fool of, a total mockery.

Who are true friends and how to find them amongst all these impostors? I don't know, I'm tired of searching trying to find them and being let down every time. I miss Ger, JL, Shai, Melia....Priscilla, I miss all of you, my actually friends, you're there more for me then my own family (my age group that is), which is sad you're right but what to do? I'm not going to change who I am!! But it still hurts, worst then most other things in life; to feel unwanted by people whom you should be close to, people who you should be trusting to have your back but are letting you fall. Being a helping hand in the process of pushing.....very hurtful....

When I first opened up my blog webpage and decided to type something here I had quite a few things on my mind to type. Now after logging in and getting a fresh page, I'm lost for words.

Well, overall been pretty ok, busy with work. Following Andy's style of filing so going to be busy re-doing all of that but not so bad because at least for December my PM is only like 17units; 7 loaner and 10 from the wards. Yayness!

Lately really into these slow songs whose lyrics are just overflowing with meaning. One Republic Apologize. The lyrics the melody and the beat; can't get enough of this song and it's not like those other songs that you fall in love with. This is different. Oh today this song was played while that male skater at Novena was skating. He's good-looking.... =p but enough of that. I do admire his skating though, really smooth and graceful. It was as though he was floating on the ice rather then gliding. Sounds lame and weird since they're similar but I don't know.

Nothing much going on except for maybe....I don't even know if I should be typing that here, sorry it's still in my head right now. It's like something that feels right to happen is just so wrong, and believe me; been there done that loads of times. JL always tells me "you'll just know", yeah not very helpful right now girl.

Feels as though Shai and Melia have been gone forever!! Miss them so much, when they come back we all need to get together and hang out like old times, well kind of. Lolx!

Can't type it here, can't risk certain people reading it and then questioning me, guess if you really want to know can always tag me and I just might tell you personally....feelings are so screwed up right now, thoughts not running clear, everything's just so jumbled and mirky it's hard to tell right from wrong and know my better judgement. Listen to that little voice? Tried but it's just as confused as I am right now. Head says one thing and the heart says another. Certain things i know and others can change but would it not be better to not change the individual but just the whole person, but than that's even more painful and harder.

Questions?

Who's to blame for a child's mistakes? parents or the child themselves?

If your girlfriend/boyfriend do something that you think is wrong but they thought was "just for fun", who's at fault to say sorry? You or them?

If your friend's cross moral boundaries, who's at fault? Who's moral boundaries were crossed and who crossed them?

So many times we ask similar questions, either about ourselves or others around us. People we see, people we hear about, but have we ever thought to question who is actually to blame? Or if there even is anyone to blame in the first place.


When we thing something is wrong, it's our own perception, if that particular person thought it was wrong I doubt they'd be doing it in the first place. The fact that they felt it was OK, or thought it was OK makes it harder for us to judge and place boundaries on what's right and what's wrong.

When raising a child the rules and regulations in household for different parents differ, as children we see this amongst our peers, and yes we question why some are so strict and some are so lenient. However, we must remember that parent's set boundaries and rules based on what they perceive to be the right way of doing things, or certain things that are OK to do; while others may agree or disagree it is up to them.

My point is that regardless of what is done, or who's to blame, or who's at fault the main thing is whether or not you can accept them for their faults knowing that although it may conflict with what you believe is right, it must might not be all that wrong either.

We make are own choices and decisions, parent's guide and nurture the best they know how and the best they can. Do we hold it against them if they mess up a little? No! We mess up too, way worse, just that they've been in that situation before and know how to handle it so you don't regret anything later on in life. Sometimes things seem so "cool" now but later on you're going to be thinking, "Oh my goodness what were we thinking?" and I'm serious! We will ask these questions because our parents have. They learn from experience and so do we.

Do not judge before you understand, and once you understand do not condemn, accept what they did as not wrong to them but wrong to you and do not follow or repeat what was done.

If actions affect you directly, then discussing what's right and what's wrong to the other party is always helpful. Know their stand point of things and get a better understanding of why it was done and not seen as something wrong in their eyes and only yours.

Remember the most powerful weapon we use is not our fist or any material thing we can grasp, it is our tongues, words can pierce so choose wisely!