Food for the soul

I think i've side tracked my life so much that i lost touch of what is really meaningful and what's not. and for some reason i feel like im moving further from God rather then nearer. i mean its like most people who start back up with going to church and becoming active for some reason find themselves nearer to Him, yet i find that i'm drifting further. sigh. but then i don't know what to do besides pray.

i feel lost, like i'm some wandering soul not knowing where or what to do next. i know i'm not exactly lost but my soul is and it's wandering and waiting, but i just don't know what it's waiting for. sometimes people say that your dreams and thoughts are ways out for your soul and mind, do i..no should i believe it?? there's so many possibilities and ways of explaination but then for some reason i still conclude to me being a person who's oblivious to the obvious. people around me hurting and i'm to blame in a way, for i added to that pain, hurt and rejection. not on purpose no. by accident, but knowing well what i was doing and saying, misunderstood?? nope. understood perfectly fine but then its just hard and painful. over and over again. pain never goes away and i know it. oh do i know it so well. think maybe it's my other best friend.

crying has even become something of routine i guess you could say for me. it's like crying helps, yes its therapuetic and everything but then its so scheduled that it's a little scary. no?? i certainly think so. it's like im losing all control and i cant get it back. i try so hard but it just gets further and further away from me. sometimes i cry cause im scared, i don't know what to do. i cry cause i'm mad, angry; i don't know what to do. for all i feel, lost and abandoned i don't know what to do. for each emotion i feel im lost for words and actions. the only one that come to mind it tears to my eyes. how lost am i?? how deserted am i?? how alone am i?? though every day i have people all around me, surrounding me, yet im all by myself.

how to cope?? how to deal?? i wish i knew that way i can answer myself and help others as well. am i meant to feel this way until i know what it is of me that is required?? that too i do not know. if i could go on and on i will contemplate on all that i don't know and wonder about but i have no time, i only have time to focus on what is as of now and that's school and loads of projects. back to the shallowness of everyday life....