Anarchy

Total and complete chaos is how I feel right now! Everything is just spirraling out of control, my control! In a way I want to just kind of step back and take a really good look at everything, but then I ask myself, why? And most importantly, whether I even know what I'm trying to look for in the first place. Sounds weird I know but I just can't help myself. It's like...I honestly have no clue how to describe this feeling or even the situtation. The whole scenario is just totally out of proportion. Everything that I thought was sane is now questionable for its reliability. what am I to do? In other words, messed up!

On the other hand, I met up with Kathy after work on thursday, after my coffee-talk with her I ran into Yasmine and then we went right back into Starbucks and I had yet another round of coffee-talk with her. But it was enjoyable and informative. She's so office politic-savy. I'm can so learn from her, but then if it comes and a cost or a price that requires friendship as the payment, then sorry I'm not ready nor will I probably ever be ready for something like that. Office politics is something i rather just ignore, listen to? Of course! It's so interesting! But I like the ways of Thomas, just float in, do your stuff and leave the mud-slinging to those who are willing to get dirty wtih it. No point standing in the way either.

I guess once i started prioritizing what is what and who is who, it's this total eye-opener as to who your real friends are. Who are the ones that are there for you, give you good advice and at the same time listen to you when you have things to let out. Those who chuck you, chuck them back! Slug 'em if you must!

To be honest, I have no clue to what this post is about. It's basically a jumbled up mess of everything that's playing back in my head and I'm just writing how it makes me feel and what I think of. How could something so simple turn out to be so complicated? I just don't get it! Since when did life have so many rules and regulations that I'm now only learning about. Man what happened to education in school, does school not prepare you for the real world? Ha! It does, the idealistic theoretical world we find in books and magazines and through wonderfully miraculous testimonies of others; but not in our worlds. Not till we're probably much older and what's the word...wiser? So lame! The oldest and lamest phrase ever, older and wise....older certainly does not mean wiser to me. wiser is something that is earned from experience and not from age. There are truck loads of young that suffer and learn fast to be tough from young...years of experience do it...not the years of your life. That phrase gives this false pretense that bad things only happen when your older and when you young everyone has such a great childhood...we're all equal!! Crap..all of it. Old is old; based on how many years you have added to your life, but wising up? This is certainly not defined by age!

Now about this whole age issue! Everyone in my company tells me that I'm so young, obviously I'm only 22. Now some of my friends and family; who are younger than me, tend to be like wow..you're getting old, everytime i birthday comes and I get a year older. Yeah, getting older has some down sides to it but overall it's a wonderful thing to go through. I'm not saying i spent my youthfullness doing all I wanted to, but i got a fair share of stuff done that I'm proud of. I Say you have to look at it like this device that is adding years to your life. Right now i have 22years there, on my life and in a few months I shall add yet another year to this device called my life. I know of a lot of people who look at it like some count down timer....people we aint cakes baking in any oven!! We're humans, you can't count down, you don't know where that finish line is. Just think of it as being right there in front of you at all times and at any one time you could cross it and that's it. Or you could continue to add years and push that line one year further away from you.

now I can name a ton of people who will read this and then start on me about being all optimistic and what not. I don't care, say as you please...tag me and then go write your blog to be all dark and dreary and exclaim that the world's going to end, it's your space to rant and this is mine...so back off!! Optism is what keeps us going strong and happily, certainly not anything else. just observe either yourself or someone around you and then come back here and argue with me!

I still have no clue as to why this post is being written. I'm not even too sure what it was that I wnted to type or even say. Sometimes it's like you just want to get a message out there to people, other times you just need a place to vent anger and all other forms of emotions, other times you need a place to write all you feel, or felt and saw. An experience you had, or maybe not just that but moreon how it made you feel what you thought of it. Just to pen it down and maybe later read it again and learn something about yourself. I find that typing about how certain events made you feel and reading throug those can be real eye-openers. it's like being third party, you play back that scene in your head and you can either agree with yourself or laugh at yourself or tell yourself, i should have done it differently. But who's to say what? This is just one girl and her thoughts about her life.