Sometimes I wonder about people, what goes through their minds, what thoughts are being processed while certain events are taking place. It's like some will get so agitated so easily while others are not really fazed by what goes on. Whether or not they've noticed is another point altogether.

I feel really offended right now, kind of unwanted.

It has been like this for the longest time, me and my family ( referring to my cousins) are not exactly close at all. So whom am I close too? My eldest cousin and my third eldest cousin. I can talk to them, feel like we're on the same frequency, that kind of thing. With the others it's like we clash; thoughts, behaviour and definition of right and wrong!

Everyone usually always looks forward to family functions and I try to avoid them the best I can or I try to have Shuxin follow me. Just to have someone to talk too, to hang out with. Am I a loner? Not really, just that I need to have someone around that I click with and can sit and have a good time with and not worry about what is being said once i turn my back.

Sisterly bonding, whatever; my own sister doesn't even bother with me, I mean yeah I know she loves me blah blah; seriously she does just weird way of showing so yeah. But we're night and day and just see things totally different. So naturally she gets along better with my cousins and again I'm left alone, out of the circle.

To type this and not cry will not be possible, however I need to get it all out of my system and this is my channel. Who reads this? God only knows.....I only know of 2 people. Sad I know.

The worst part of it all isn't just the way I feel but more of not having anyone to talk to about everything. Yes, I can talk to Shuxin and pour everything out to him, but that would be like airing all my dirty laundry in a confined public place (it makes sense).

I don't know, every time I think I've found someone to talk to, to confide in, to just spill everything too, I'm proven wrong. JL, I would love to call and bug you and stuff but I can't really disturb you because you have your own things going on and a certain someone you want to be talking to. Time and place, time and place.

It's sad to know and to think about it though. I can start and hold a conversation with someone who's twice my age better then I can with one who is around my age. Should this be the case? I doubt so. I hate having to make new friends, never was any good at it. Always only made a couple and that was it. Never left my comfort zone and don't really want to. Me and crowds just don't go well. Try but it's not easy to do without being condemned for it.

It's easier to make friends with a guy than a girl; girls are way too bitchy and think too much! Guys just take what comes and don't think so much and it doesn't take long for them to figure out that I'm not dumb, just naive in certain areas of their expertise. However, it is still looked down upon, just wrong and seen as flirting.....I myself don't really know how it comes to being seen or judged as that but fine then, so be it.

It's all just so irritating!! And majorly frustrating!! Think I'm best off just doing things all by myself so that everyone has to keep their mouths shut because there's nothing for them to say, but then again it they really want to; and they do, they'd find ways and means to bring something up to gossip about. It's just hurtful when it's about you. Worst still when you know and have to carry on smiling pretending that you don't know because they don't know that you know. How nice are they to my face; total deception, it's pathetic!!

I miss my friends, my comfort zone, my everything that I once had. Now it just feels as though it's all been yanked away from me, like pulling a rug out from under my feet, knowing and watching my fall in the process and then walking off filled with satisfaction. That hurts the most, being kicked when you're already down, with no choice but struggle to get back up with everyone laughing and mocking and trying to push you right back down. Watching, to be made a fool of, a total mockery.

Who are true friends and how to find them amongst all these impostors? I don't know, I'm tired of searching trying to find them and being let down every time. I miss Ger, JL, Shai, Melia....Priscilla, I miss all of you, my actually friends, you're there more for me then my own family (my age group that is), which is sad you're right but what to do? I'm not going to change who I am!! But it still hurts, worst then most other things in life; to feel unwanted by people whom you should be close to, people who you should be trusting to have your back but are letting you fall. Being a helping hand in the process of pushing.....very hurtful....