May all be well

 Ever been stuck between decided whether to just stop everything and take care of yourself or continue taking care of everyone else instead?

I have been in such a state for about a month now, debating between getting work done, housework and taking care of the kids. All while enduring a very odd, and random localized pain in my finger joint. 

May not sound like much but let me tell you, it truly does hurt. Hurts to the point that I have broken plates and bowls because the pain was too much to bear trying to lift or carry these dishes to wash, or place on the dishrack to dry or even to put away after dry. The only funny part of this whole thing I see, is that it is my middle finger. As I go about my daily routine, my middle finger of my left hand will be straight to prevent any further pain. I must be careful though, especially when I am out to ensure that although it remains straight to prevent pain, it shall not be in any weird or awkward position so as to not be unintentionally flipping people off! 

Not to get off topic, today I finally caved and went to see the doctor to find out what is wrong and now need to have it x-rayed. Both my boys aren't too thrilled for me to go for an x-ray, they believe that if I go to the hospital for any reason I will have to stay there and not be with them. They fear that the most I believe, and it breaks my heart to see their sad faces as they say this. 

but that is just it, maybe if I had taken better care earlier, seen a doctor earlier, done something, anything maybe this will have a different outcome, however, every time I think back, I highly doubt I would have done anything different because I need to work to earn money, I need to help with housework now that we have no helper and I need to take care of my boys because that's what they need from their parents.

My husband does his fair share of things around the house, work and taking care of the kids. Honestly, he has way more stamina and capability than me, I get so tired so quickly. Being more active is definitely something that I need to start doing but it is so hard to get motivated. Finding this motivation always seems so fleeting. Here today or this week and then gone the next. Too tired, too lazy, too sore or too much work to get done and not enough rest. A never-ending cycle that only I can break but need motivation to break first. 

Though at times I feel that once this pain in my finger is addressed, and my neck/back is too, I will be more motivated and more energetic, but again, these may all just be excuses I am conjuring in my head to justify my actions of laziness.

Self-care or selflessness for others, the ones around me. This is a hard one to debate. We should take care of ourselves first before being able to take care of others, but honestly, wives and mothers out there, please do let me know if it is actually supposed to be this way or a selflessness towards your family and children. I truly believe that no matter what is taught or said when it comes down to it, we will first settle and ensure our kids are safe and take care of before we do anything for ourselves. Pain will be endured for this sake, it is hard to say it depends on the circumstances because I feel it does not. Whether dire or basic, mothers, no parents, in general will always put the needs of their children and families before themselves. Well, I have endured, for about a month before caving because it went from dull and irritating to painful and hard to get daily tasks done to unbearable pain that caused my plates and bowls to break. This is a sad reality of life.

I did get a pretty long nagging from both my mom and mother in-law, but it fell on deaf ears because I still did what I could with only my right hand - which by the way is my non-dominant hand. Guess we shall wait to see what the x-ray reveals, hopefully nothing serious and all I need is some rest for it to heal.

May all be well!